between the lines

044: darkness and pain

Friday, 7 April 2017

People hate falling.

I hate falling. The idea of letting yourself going through endless tunnel of darkness and having unknown creatures called inferiority, insecurity and mere darkness that might swallow you. It does not ease me at all. Pessimistic at it best, I know. I have been keeping everything under the blanket for such a long time that it suffocates me now. I am good at pretending to be all good, but I guess its eating me inside.

What worst could it be?

I think I'm losing myself.

I do not know who I am anymore?
I feel like I'm losing my colors
I do not know what I like. 
My passion, well metaphorically speaking is like the pumpkin cart in Cinderella story.
Puff, suddenly missing at midnight.
Forgotten because there is nothing more important than finding the owner of the glass slipper.
I'm losing a lot of things as I go through that darkness.

Yet, that is so wrong on many level. You, should not follow that gravity. Why am I letting myself to fall on the first place? Of course, falling is good. Following the flow could do some good to ourselves because who knows how the 'fall' could actually shapes you, to a better unthinkable you. In a way, no offense. Ignorance is good too. It just, we should not sing ignorance. It is a bad habit to publicly announce to the world that you are stupid.

I am a mess. I hate writing in negative tone. It just at this right moment, I cannot help it other than finding my own comfort in spilling emotions through word like I always do, before. A friend of mine, always remind me that "Bottling things would not make pain any less better. Cry, if you need to cry." There is someone who once commented in my previous entry that I should not be scared of writing anything - just write anything to express yourself.

I might look stupid right now. But nah, I care no more.
I need a catalyst. That's it.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
- Do Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight by Dylan Thomas 

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Blogger Siqah Hussin said...
Yes Faten. Dont be scared to be yourself. Just write anything to express yourself. Hidup kita tidak perfect all the time. Perasaan kita pun bukan positif all the time. That's life :)
Blogger Flavnesz said...
Life ain't all about the rainbows so no worries.. Express it whenever you want, if it made you feel better.. :3
Blogger Eyqa Zq said...
Girl, you just need a chocolates, cakes, cokes, and perhaps a bit of ayam penyet. Be strong fatin. Jom makan dlu and cry later. :)
Blogger faten.banana said...
Huaaaa thanks a loooooooot! Den sebenarnya takut my feelings would seem like a child's tantrum but I guess sometimes we need to let go that emotions without thinking of anything :')
Blogger faten.banana said...
Thank you, it did makes me feel a loooooot better to be honest :') I should have done this earlier. Lol
Blogger faten.banana said...
I DID ATE FEW BARS OF CHOCOLATE LAST NIGHT, AND A BOTTLE OF GUILTY COKES ._. hahahahahaha thanks Eyqa! I did feel better compared to the last few weeks :')
Blogger Hanis Amanina said...
"Bottling things would not make pain any less better. Cry, if you need to cry."

Just like u said, I used to keep things by myself before and yes it was suffocating. I recommend you not to do that, relieve the burden. Try different things to see where your heart goes, to see what actually your heart love to do :)
Blogger Eyqa Zq said...
I ATE THE WHOLE TWO BARS TODAY. So bubye 2017 resolution. bahahaha.
Anonymous Anonymous said...
hey your feelings are not 'stupid', don't feel bad about it :)
Blogger faten.banana said...
I LOVE WHAT I'M DOING <3 It just, sometimes in the middle you just feels a pile of crap emotions called insecurity and inferior because you just feel that you did not do enough :')

Thanks anyway, it soothe my heart to know theres someone who cares ! XD
Blogger faten.banana said...
you know what, this really made my day. I just came back from my (exhausting) silat training and it just feel good when I received the notifications from my blog and I'm dead serious.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying that my feelings are not stupid, love <3
Blogger Nurul Rasya said...
What a coincidence. I've been feeling blue lately especially when I was rejected by companies that I'm applying to so I spent my days in a blanket listening to sappy sentimental songs crying lol
Blogger Nabiha Johari said...
Cheer up! :D
Blogger cik EPAL said...
Kalau boleh nangis, nangis lah. Kalau menangis tu buat jadi lagi lega. 😊
Blogger faten.banana said...
*plays Twice Cheer Up*
Blogger faten.banana said...
isn't it weird kan, once we are in negative mood, we would draw ourself deeper in those emotion? Lol. My friend said, it is a way for us to express the feeling.

Nevertheless, be strong! I'm sure another company would accept you :D
Blogger faten.banana said...
hahahahaha it helps, tapi taksuka menangis XD
Blogger Fairuz Aqilah said...
Crying is my hobby! Ehhhh? Hehehehehe... Tak apalah, hidup ni kan bukan selamanya kita di atas. Ada pasang surutnya. Kite pun tengah sedih jugak lately... 😌🍃
Blogger faten.banana said...
huaaa i should spread positive vibes but instead --' howevr, is it weird to feel good that there is also another person who feels the same way as we are? that being sad, to suffer this kind of emotion is also part of being normal human being :')
Blogger Lya Amie said...
There's nothing wrong in writing your emotion, especially if it would make you feel better. Whatever the reason behind your feeling when you wrote this, hope you got over it already. Cheer up :)
Blogger faten.banana said...
thanks :')

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