Friday, 7 April 2017

044: darkness and pain

People hate falling.

I hate falling. The idea of letting yourself going through endless tunnel of darkness and having unknown creatures called inferiority, insecurity and mere darkness that might swallow you. It does not ease me at all. Pessimistic at it best, I know. I have been keeping everything under the blanket for such a long time that it suffocates me now. I am good at pretending to be all good, but I guess its eating me inside.

What worst could it be?

I think I'm losing myself.

I do not know who I am anymore?
I feel like I'm losing my colors
I do not know what I like. 
My passion, well metaphorically speaking is like the pumpkin cart in Cinderella story.
Puff, suddenly missing at midnight.
Forgotten because there is nothing more important than finding the owner of the glass slipper.
I'm losing a lot of things as I go through that darkness.

Yet, that is so wrong on many level. You, should not follow that gravity. Why am I letting myself to fall on the first place? Of course, falling is good. Following the flow could do some good to ourselves because who knows how the 'fall' could actually shapes you, to a better unthinkable you. In a way, no offense. Ignorance is good too. It just, we should not sing ignorance. It is a bad habit to publicly announce to the world that you are stupid.

I am a mess. I hate writing in negative tone. It just at this right moment, I cannot help it other than finding my own comfort in spilling emotions through word like I always do, before. A friend of mine, always remind me that "Bottling things would not make pain any less better. Cry, if you need to cry." There is someone who once commented in my previous entry that I should not be scared of writing anything - just write anything to express yourself.

I might look stupid right now. But nah, I care no more.
I need a catalyst. That's it.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
- Do Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight by Dylan Thomas 

Saturday, 1 April 2017

[review] Introverted Boss / Sensetive Boss

Country: South Korea 
Type: Drama
Episodes: 16
Aired: Jan 16, 2017 to Mar 14, 2017
Network: tvN
Duration: 1 hr. 10 min.
   When a young, energetic employee joins a public relations firm with an introverted and severely misunderstood boss, she makes it her life’s mission to show the world who he really is.
    Eun Hwan Ki is the boss at a PR company. He is really shy that even his employees don't know him that well. he prefers to hide in his office. everyone thinks he is a cold, prickly, arrogant grouch. 
     Chae Ro Woon is energetic, bubbly, loves to be the center of attention and always has something to say. The exact opposite of her boss, who she seems to have an old grudge against. Her goal in life is: to expose the big boss man for who he really is and take her revenge. - MyDramaList

If I had to pick one Korean Channel to stuck with forever, I would pick tvN - without fail. (Eventhough thats mean I would not be able to watch Descendants of The Sun). Lol. They basically have the most untypical drama that does not only centralize common issues through and through. If you familiar with Queen In Hyun's Man, Twenty Again, Oh My Ghostees, Another Oh Hae Young and Cinderella and The Four Knights - well, all of the dramas are under tvN.


Why you should watch this drama? Here's my reasons:


This drama is very close to my heart. I believe, both introvert and extrovert would feel the same too because this drama basically depict a combination of them. It addressed certain misconceptions people often had towards both group. What is it like to be an introvert? What makes an introvert act as an introvert? How do they see life is? Do they have fun? Do they really love the solitude? Do extrovert never feel sad? How they usually conceal their feeling (cause they have a bunch of other feelings too) There is one incident that 'sticking' all the plot together which I found quite intriguing and interesting.

I believe it is romantic comedy with a hint of angsty kind of drama which everyone would enjoy <3



You could see how the main character is taking step by step to change for better. Even though he's facing serious problem to confront and simply have a normal conversation.

I personally love the supporting actress side story. Oh wait, I always love side story ._.

Fancy Cinematography

credit to : exit68
The cinematography is aesthetic and pleasant to the eyes. I noticed the similarities in camera work for this drama and Another Miss Oh which is not a surprise but I'm not really expecting it either. If you know what I mean (which you probably don't) Tsk. Both of the drama I had mentioned are works of the same director, Song Hyun Wook. And it is one of the reasons I choose to watch this drama. Another Miss Oh is a masterpiece, though it started to hit the slump on the third quarter.

So what do you think?

Tuesday, 21 March 2017

March Sale-abration!


I have been spending quite an amount around this month none other because it is a special month for me. It’s my birthday! And there is nothing more self-worthing than doing anything that could please you to the moon and back; be it by treating your housemates nasi lemak for breakfast, accompany your friend for a window shopping, or simply celebrating the days around the ones you loves.

Because, it’s special!

Since this month is significantly special and probably the best chances for us to create more and more memories. With family and friends. Who knows we might even met our long lost significant others too. Who knows, who knows? Hiks.

“The best way to know your friends? Travel with them!”

When it comes to travelling – expenses would be one of the things that we worry the most. Scratch that. It’s the main issue!

Well, guys. Worry no more, you can even start planning your short trip now. It’s March 2017, and Traveloka Malaysia is sale-abrating! Oh wait, have you heard about Traveloka? (I –almost- confused it with another party lol)

*clears throat* Ehem, as the name suggest.

Travel-loka’. Let me make it short, sweet and simple; is a one-stop platform for the millenias like us to search, book and manage our next trip either for domestic and international destination, hassle free for flight and hotel booking. No more phone calling to book your hotel (which is good if you hate talking to the phone like meh) and time saving as everything could be done as long as you have your gadget right on your hand (which is every single time. No. You better do not lie). Besides, the price is based on what you see is what you get. No surprise sudden hidden price you need to pay.

We hate paying more. Even for extra rice in our plate during lunch. Fuh.
Totally me.
Traveloka is currently promoting an online campaign called The Traveloka Sale-abration. This online travel fair promotes big and (delicious) eye-sparkling deals for flights and hotels across a variety of destinations. I present you:

#1 Flight Deals

I am going to highlight how Traveloka actually deals with every kind of budget, as low as RM40 to domestic destinations and below RM100 to international destinations. By the way, is there anyone sharing the same habit of mine – comparing price for any items I intend to purchase (chronically speaking lol)? Aha! Traveloka allows you to compare and book the best deal value for your money and flight deals across multiple airlines, again, domestic or international destination (which is kewl)

I am currently imagining myself in Europe guys, sooooooooon real sooooooooon.

#2 Hotel Deals

To ensure you are able to have a great stay, they has over 100 exclusive Traveloka-only deals for destination around Southeast Asia. In order to meet various travel purposes (relaxing your body after years pursuing degree –ehem this is hint my friend-, business travelling or mass shopping lol) partner hotels have been carefully selected to cater your need (and me!)

I found it fascinating that Traveloka actually provides more information regarding the hotel services (plus reviews!). Once you visit the website, key-in all the info regarding your stays (destination, duration of stays and number of guest/room) you will be brought into the search result page. By clicking the ‘see room’ link, fuh, you can see the room conditions, service provided such as WiFi or elevator, and last intriguing aspects is their nearby attractions (spells uhm-may-zing!).

You do not have to Google anymore only to be provided by poor quality pictures!

The Traveloka Sale-abration last from 10 up to 31 March 2017. Seven more days for you to grab the ticket! You would not want to miss this (probably) one time chance, never know when will be the next sale-bration and man – you might regret it for years. Lol. For booking, you can either opt to website [https://www.traveloka. com/en-my/] or just download the app (cheaper price as far as I know) through Google Play (for Android Users) or App Store (for iOs Users) which I found quite fascinating as I hover around the website.

So, what are you waiting for?

Visit the official website here and for more information about the campaign, hit here.

Sunday, 19 March 2017

Sunshine Blogger Award


First and foremost, a big thanks to Sister Afifah (from: Awesomeness) who nominates me for this Sunshine Blogger Award! Frankly speaking, I was a bit perplexed like how can I get this award when I do not shine enough? Lol, but I'm glad. I have been keeping this one since forever because of the major-wrecking-week-before-you-have-your-holiday as I want to do this seriously. 


1. Introduce yourself as if you really want me to know you and you know I wouldn't judge even if you say your secret crush is Hitler / Just introduce yourself in five words.

‘Jack of all trades, master of none.’
Well, that’s seven.

2. If you never have to work and never have to worry about money anymore, what will you do?

I would go travel and study because studying is like a super expensive privilege that no one able to get nowadays. I have love for education, I like studying in a way that cannot be explained. But sometimes, meh – I’m just lazy to do a thing.

I like the idea of getting our people rise and shine in education department or at least minimalist the number of illiterates in our country. We need more mufakkir. And I kinda agree with a statement by Pluto found in 25 Filsuf Barat by Matluthfi:

“Dunia ini tidak akan menjadi betul sehinggalah raja tidak menjadi filsuf atau raja filsuf.” p.16


3. What is the craziest thing you have ever done?

Not studying for my law quiz which is on the next day. Instead, I watched Korean Dramas. Please don’t do this adik-adik. I’m just too stressed to think about anything. A rebel against myself.

My friend called me crazy, me too.

But to be honest, I used to have this thought of why do we need to study again when we already study about it in the class? I'm pretty much nerd, I don't skip class because I hate the idea of missing things.

4. Favourite movie of all time and why so?

The Great Gatsby (2013). The actors are soooooooo good that everything about this movie is so  beautifully heart-throbbing kills me.

To be honest, The Great Gatsby is the movie that makes me look forward for more classic literatures (and old movies lol) I wasn’t that ‘into’ over classic literature but maaaaaaaaaan, F.Scott Fitzgerald is brilliant, I won’t argue.

My obsession over The Great Gatsby even makes me read the literary criticism /pat in the back/ because, uhm … curiousity? Turns out – most of the scenes in The Great Gatsby is based on his own experiences. Oh yeah, it does.

5. Share with me your quirky-est nickname and how did you get that?
Opie. First, let me clarify – my name had nothing that can be associated with this name. It just a name that few friends of mine used to called me because they think it suit me in a way.

6. What is your greatest weakness?
Empathy. I used to think this is good, but the more I experienced – well, life, I know that I cannot be too emotionally linked to something.
It’s hurt and hurt is not good.

7. What is your greatest strength?
Composure. Like yeah, I can keep calm almost in any situation. (refer to number 2) Facepalm.

Guess who got 3/10 in her Intensive Expository Writing’s quiz and refused to look at that paper anymore? Lol.

8. What is your best childhood memory?
Playing badminton with my family, every weekend in front of my old house.

9. If you can only keep five possessions, what would that be?
Handphone. Laptop. Books. Books. Books.

10. What is the biggest character turn-off for you?

11. If you could have any superpower, what power would it be and why? - it must be skills, not something like time-travelling or immortality.

Photographic memory? Hahahahaha (you wish!) Because, I just feel like having one after watching Dr. Strange. He can read a looooooooooooooot of books in no time.

That. Is. Cool.


I'm soooooo sooooooo sorry that I am unable to prepare questions and tag another bloggers. Mind me, please? :D Have a nice day! 

Wednesday, 1 March 2017

043: Study, metaphorically speaking

I was staring at the dashboard, thinking absolutely nothing when a question pulled me back into reality: What is it like to be a degree student in language course, after a month? Ironically, darting my eyes over the calendar afterwards.

Does my life really go through the same cycle, every single day? Meaning, waking up at 6:30 in the morning (after 15 minutes of continously setting the alarm to snooze and wait-let-me-have-another-five-minutes-thank-you moment lol) walking to class for almost 30 minutes early because the distance is enough to burn all the calories you took during breakfast, class and more class, read and read, silat training and the list goes on. But it is always the same routine.

Really? The same routine with nothing to ‘spice’ the day? Really?

I’m in between to be honest.

I nag a lot during the first couple of weeks, to myself, to people. To almost anybody I met hahahahaha ._. It takes time to adjust myself to the new environment, maybe that is one of the reasons which makes me a bit demotivated to go through the daily courses. I hate routine, as I mentioned in previous post. Cepat bosan. But the classes are amazing! (read: uh-may-zing with a swag okay) Every single class is fascinating on their own, and man frankly speaking – I actually hate few of the classes at first until they suddenly got really cool (read: kewl). I mean, who don’t?

I am taking 6 subjects + Study Circle II and still continue my Silat practise (Currently in Kelas Umum – preparing myself for Ujian Sijil Rendah in May!) this semester. The practise is bearable probably because we haven't got into that intense physical training yet. 

Study? Metaphorically speaking is like this: 

#1 Makanan dah depan mata, tinggal kita sendiri nak ambil suap masuk kedalam mulut. Ada masanya kita akan dihidangkan dengan makanan yang kita takpernah jumpa, rare gitu - kita akan jadi clueless. Taktahu macam mana cara nak makan makanan tu. Makan dengan tangan, dengan sudu atau apa-apa kutleri lain yang memudahkan? Atau ber-eksperimen dengan cara sampai jumpa the right way.

#2 Kita semua diberi makanan percuma (yes, again) contohnya dunkin donut sugar glazed tu lol tapi kita decide untuk campak separuh bahagian donut itu. Makan sebelah je.

#3 Untuk makan, ada masa kita kena sendiri mencari untuk isi perut. Kalau tiada makanan disediakan dan kita sendiri pun tiada usaha, maka berlapar itu satu lumrah. Lumrah yang kita minta.

Lol. Everything is bearable at this moment. Alhamdulillah, Inn Shaa Allah may Allah showers us with rezki and His affections. Adios!

Saturday, 18 February 2017

042: Port Dickson, a short trip of finding me.

[Nota: Penulis takperasan tadi dia tekan 'Publish' walhal masih bersifat draf.]

Port Dickson, Catatan Februari 2017


Bila Nasyrah ajak aku turun Port Dickson untuk ikut satu program kelab (yang aku tidak tahu pun kewujudannya hingga tatkala itu) dengan bayaran RM5 (makanan MashaAllah sumpah sedap heaven gila) untuk dua hari satu malam pada hujung minggu lepas aku terus cakap okay. Takfikir panjang, takfikir apa-apa. Taktahu kem apa pun, yang aku tahu aku taknak duduk dalam bilik. Mungkin juga disebabkan perasaan sesak dengan rutin sama setiap hari. 

Lol. Aku taksuka sangat rutin yang sama, aku jadi bosan, Tapi, kena ikut.

Semua berkait dengan aku selalunya diluar jangkaan. Aiseh. Dan aku suka sebahagian diri aku yang tiba-tiba boleh melencong dari jadual asal. 

Fleksibel, kata orang. Ye, ye memang tengah angkat bakul ni :')

Sometimes, you need to neglect your ‘intuitution’. Following them is an option actually, but who knows? Allah is the best Planner of all.

Aku selalunya rasa stres dan akan menangis bila pergi kem hahahahahaha taktahu kenapa, mesti ada sesuatu yang membuatkan aku rasa sebak sampai terusik hati. 

While I thought it is going to be like another camps I used to go; it did not.

Tapi kali ni tak, okay je sebab fasi senior takde suruh rush; masa yang diberi pun agak fleksibel untuk aku guna masa menghadap laut sambil dengan deruan ombak. Ceh.

Kem yang aku pergi ni rupa-rupanya Kursus Asas Fasilitator dan Induksi Ahli Baru bagi kelab tersebut, yang bukan ahli (macam aku) pun boleh ikut serta. And I'm glad I did. Banyak juga input yang aku dapat sepanjang dua hari satu malam di Port Dickson tu. Walaupun secara dasarnya nampak macam kosong, tapi sebenarnya berisi. 

"A good listener takbuat expression." - Bro Azmi

Sambil menyelam minum air.
Sambil berprogram, sambil menyulam ilmu dan ikatan.

Banyak juga yang aku belajar tentang bagaimana nakjadi fasilitator yang aktif dan efektif. Satu benda yang aku boleh katakan, bidang ni agak mencabar sebab dia bermain dengan psikologi jugak. Banyak perkara yang kita kena pertimbangkan. Kau kena aktif, kena banyak fikir. Kena tahu macam mana nak kendalikan satu situasi ni supaya takberada diluar kawalan, supaya dapat membuahkan satu hasil yang positif!

Ingatkan jadi fasilitator ni mudah?

Terus bertubi-tubi tembus tanah.

"Sudden friendship would flourish despite of different background. It’s like a bouquet of flowers, the more, the merrier! Erk."

“Assalammualaikum. Kita mulakan dengan ta’aruf dulu lepastu baru kita discuss topik yang dah diberi.” Lelaki, the one and only diantara kami berlima mengambil langkah mengetuai, memulakan muqadimah. Pemudah cara.

Maka, lima manusia berbeza jurusan dengan gelaran Kek Pisang menjadi satu buat dua hari satu malam. Berbincang isu sosial media sama-sama, makan sama-sama, sembang sama-sama, terjun Pantai Port Dickson sama-sama, main game sama-sama walaupun satu penemuan kritikal yang maha dahsyat dijadikan bahan ketawa mereka ketika itu; Fatin is bad at games, noktah.

“Cuba bayangkan kalau kita hantar Fatin?”
Jeda. Semua menghantar pandangan dengan isyarat bermakna pada satu sama lain. Tinggal aku terkebil-kebil.
Sengih mula terkoyak dibibir masing-masing sebelum ketawa bergabung.
“Ei benci ah.” Aku lempar daun kering yang dah dikoyak-koyak ke tanah. Tanda protes kononnya. Tapi makin menambah ‘perasa’ dalam ketawa mereka adalah.

Like, how can I keep consistently lose in games? 

Gelak ketawa, hingar dengar perkataan ‘Alah, tadi baru trial kan?’ berulang-ulang kali waktu main games.

Allah’s reminder could comes in any way, in case we all forget those so called ‘little mistakes’ while having fun.

Setuju atau tidak, ada sesuatu yang kita boleh cedok dari manusia yang kita barangkali pertama kali jumpa. Dan aku, sentiasa percaya yang dengan mengembaralah kita dapat kenal orang dengan lebih dekat, rapat dan mampat. Takkiralah, kawan mahupun orang yang asalnya asing pada diri kita. Pada masa yang sama dapat juga tengok sisi diri kita yang lain apabila diletakkan dalam satu situasi yang memerah keringat, menekan emosi dan sebagainya.

Manusia kan?


Aku tak amik gambar waktu pagi sebab malas nakpegang kamera, nakmasuk air lagi hahahaha maka semua aku tinggal je dalam khemah. No gadget at all for the last day. 

"Belajar terus belajar."

Thanks for the memories! 

Monday, 13 February 2017

041: new habit and a thought


I might get hit with the ‘what actually goes linger around your mind this time? Cause man, I don’t understand’. I simply take a walk on last Sunday around my campus, alone as per usual. Packed with my camera (no, I do not own DSLR) on my backpack, black sport shoes and a slack intead of tracksuit because – I do not know. It was 6 in the evening, breezy evening,  when I decided to leave the room. Everyone gone anyway so it doesn’t matter.

I remembered going around the route outside Kuliyyah of Education, stumbled upon a river along the path where a few people go fishing there. I keep walking, sharing the route with sisters and brothers who exercise or simply jogging.  Keeping my gaze around the nature instead because you know, exchanging gaze with strangers could be burdensome sometimes. As in, should I smile or not, would they smile back or shyly ignored me? Or refuse to show me any expression because ‘I just had a terrible day, so excuse my grumpiness.’

Too much troubled.
No, I’m joking. Lol, I love smiling at strangers <3

"Pandang atas tengok apa? Jangan risau, takde buah durian akan jatuh atas kepala awak."

I fall into this habit of intense-ly staring at something above me when I deeply thinking (or thinking lol). Just for your information, if you accidentally met a girl who keeps looking up towards the sky while walking; she is not crazy. It is just something she enjoys to do. Things that bring tranquility to as she believed, a solemn world. She had a lot to ponder and wonder about life yet finding everything in this world is fascinating to try on. Its like putting on your first high heels, not knowing those sparkling shoes she used to despise would aww her at the end of the day.

Or maybe, its like having your first bite of dark chocolate – ignorant to the taste which is so different from the normal Cadbury (or Vochelle) bite you have. The richness yet so bitter in taste hit all the senses in you, but you likes it.

Unexpected surprise.

Unexpected likeliness on the expected hatred.
Isn’t that what life supposed to do to you?


Thursday, 2 February 2017

[review] If I Fix You by Abigail Johnson

Title: If I Fix You
Author: Abigail Johnson
Publisher: Harlequin Teen
Pages: 304
Genres: Young Adult, Contemporary, Romance
Type: Stand-alone


I finished reading this one since the last two week as I have mentioned in my previous entry. I can write it straight away but the thing is, from the moment I stumbled upon the first page. I feel like wanting to capture the quote into picture ._. so I edit few of my favorite quotes from the book into graphics picture. Well, whatever you name it. But life caught on, I got a week of Taaruf Week to be attend and a week of adapting myself to this so called new environment.

At last, times to chill.

As you can see from the synopsis - yes, it tells the starting line of the plot, where all the cracks later turned into a major broken pieces of Jill.  It wasn't only caused by a single person. Frankly speaking, she is badly heartbroken. Yet thinking she's not. She's trying to fix things, people and Daniel but not herself. Which later makes everything worst.

Part of it. Lol, because some things are meant to be broken for it to be better <3

I was a bit perplexed between the love line. Sure, this novel has love triangle between Sean x Jill x Daniel. Sean is sarcastic like how every best-friend-forever should be once in awhile ._. He's playing hot and cold, without realizing the mess than soon coming genuinely almost break everything.

Jill is good. She is trying to fix her relationship with Sean which I think is beyond fix-able phase because what he just did is a grave mistake. If I am in her shoe, I would not even spare a glance toward him. I might even decide to move away from him.

It just deadly mistake to our relationship and you, out of anyone is the one who did this. You.

Fuh, emosi jap. Luckily, I'm not Jill.

Daniel? Well, he's a bit complicated. He, literally, a world need to be explore. He yearns for love but he scared to give love. He spares quite a distance between himself and Jill, drawing a line to refrain himself from falling deeper (NO YOU SHOULD NOT DO THIS, YOU HAD TO GO FOR IT!)

Ouch, my poor hearteu.

Besides the character, I should give a round of applause for the theme played. Mainly focus on heartbroken phases,it just us, people trying to fix the broken pieces of our self. Almost every single character shares the same diagnosis, they are broken. This book talks about family relationship beyond blood, of moving on, of being open to fix the broken us.

Of to dare protecting our loves one.

This book is beautifully written. From the moment I start reading the first page, I'm in love. Have you ever feel like highlighting every single word in a book because everything seem so fitting, so pure and beautiful. Abigail Johnson is so good in describing emotions, I love the way she played with words to describe certain things. Just the way I like it. Metaphors.

And this is only her debut novel ._. Her next book entitled 'The First To Know' would be published in the next few months. I'm looking forward for it!

The last book I fell in love so teroks would be 'To All The Boys I've Loved Before' series by Jenny Han. (Waiting for the last installment of this series by the way.)

I'm trying to work on my reading capacity, meaning; reading a lot within certain period of time. But yeah, let see.

Have a nice day with your fictional prince!

Later, thank you.

Miss me? Lol.

Sunday, 29 January 2017

040: A new page


The Bai'ah Ceremony and whenever we had to sing the university song. I could feel the weight of responsibility brought by the lines/lyrics of the song. The Bai'ah - oath, the Students Oath we pledged during the ceremony successfully sent shivers down my spine. The echoes. It's crazy.

A year ago, I was in Foundation of English Language and now I am moving on to the next phase of my life. (Aside from being 20) Lol. There is nothing wrong with me being twenty but I keep mentioning this. Accept the fact please, Fatin.

Things I have learnt along this week:

1. I am neutral.
Have you ever been place, right in the middle – jaded between the feeling of ‘this is wrong’ and ‘this is true’? Where there is no definite answer, an open-based question. 

I cannot hate people through and through because no matter how bad they are – their kindness would linger in my mind. So when the committee’s of Ta’aruf Week for my batch TaWe were bashed for their work design (?), I cannot solely blame them because we, the new intake students make mistakes too. Human are infallible. But we refused to acknowledge that aside from having zero experience in managing a programme. Thus, the ignorant on certain behind-the-scene, from our side. Nevertheless, the ending was perfect!

Turned up, I am neutral almost all the times. Few entries behind, I did mentioned about the struggles I faced when my mind became saturated with too much information on the mass media.

I rarely talk about politics. However, I do enjoy intellectual discussions (no throwing paper at you friend) which obviously would include Politics once in awhile. I even had consider one delusional dream of minoring in Political Sciences lol. 

I’m not.

2. Ask, go approach some strangers if you do not know. The least they could do is offer you the wrong direction. 
3. Having a company is fine.
4. You have to work really hard. 
5. Do what you believe is true; sometimes, you just need to be selfish in order to not hurting the other parties at the end.

Thursday, 26 January 2017

[challenge] #25: Konklusi | Kenapa Saya Menulis


Sebenarnya, kalau ditanya - kenapa dan mengapa? Selalunya akan berakhir dengan jawapan yang sama dari mulut aku (atau jemari yang menaip, cewah); untuk melepaskan rasa

I have some issues back then, it wasn't that hard nor easy too. It's only a mess and I accidentally end-up getting hurt by the messiness, somehow. 

Aku selalunya memang nampak macam manusia yang takpeduli dengan apa-apa ._. classmates masa asasi dulu mostly suruh aku senyum ._. (I feel like I smile a lot but apparently I'm not). Tight *cough*face twenty four seven. Tapi bila dahrapat, aku jadi a bit clingy ._. dan ada satu saat aku rasa takut yang orang akan buang aku. Back then, I have found my very own Jade - the one who willingly listened to all my ramble and stuff - but he's gone. Macam Jade jugak, but Jade did said farewell and return. But he's not and I decided that I need to move on and find my own 'place', no more special attachment slash clingy. He is not the issue, dia tu kira macam interlude, sebenarnya prolog lagi tepat kot.

I keep a lot of secret and refuse to spill the beans because I'm just plainly scared of getting hurt. And uhm, trust issue probably? I trust only certain people that make me feel like I can trust 'em. Tahu kan perasaan tu. This Jade is one of 'em. Tsk. Lol.

(Thanks to him by the way!) But I still don't like you kah kah kah.

It started with a simple random blog entry, anything that I feel like telling people because no ones read my blog back then, my daily routines, what happened in school and stuff. But not a big stuff. Lol. I'm just aching to write, letting go things times to times. So yeah, my blog is my escapism. The only medium I used to expressed my inner voice; the suffocating feelings I held back usually. I need to bite my tongue to keep myself, un-hurt

made this one when I was in Form 4 (?) the story never make it lol

Kadang-kadang menulis cerita bukan sekadar untuk mencuba dek ter-inspirasi dari Kak Nana Johari meski katalisnya ada pada dia; menulis masih lagi untuk bercerita tentang kesesakan lalu lintas yang berlaku dari segi kepala dan hati. I'm a messed back then, even of my close friend even said that she actually cannot understand the stories I wrote back then (but since she still cherish and keep my short story collections yang saya sendiri sudah delete salinannya, saya maafkan)

Tu dulu okay.

Sekarang, hampir enam tahun aku ber-blogging, menulis cerita barangkali sudah hampir tiga tahun; banyak blogger yang aku jumpa. Dan E=mc2 lol, dia yang antara yang ada di masa sesi rehabilitasi aku. Sesi pulih dari emosi yang cuba disorok ke sorok yang paling dalam. That freaking un-explainable feeling when she text 'Spill.' afraid that the ticker bomb would explode. I'm blessed, sekarang dahjumpa Jade versi perempuan pulak. 

Dan salah satu sebab aku dah jarang blogging, mungkin juga disebabkan aku dah mula untuk loose myself a bit. Taknampak depressed sangat. Aku senyum banyak sikit dari dulu, aku terima kenyataan, aku rasa okay untuk cerita dekat orang, bergantung dengan orang dan paling penting aku rasa gembira lol hence all the happy endings in my stories. *throw confetti*

Ada satu yang aku masih takpasti. Pensyarah aku kata yang kemungkinan cara aku pandang satu hubungan (as in love relationship) itu mungkin terkesan. Aku taktahu sama ada aku fobia atau tak dengan issue black hole itu; sebab aku takpernah try untuk get involved emotionally since then. Sebab, relationship is not my thing and I just don't know. Yet. Hahahahahahahaha. 

no-uh, let's appreciate the colors instead sebab ceritanya entah bila naksampai T_T

Let's break the interlude shall we? Move on. It's time to move on. Lol, you even need to move since years and years ago maka kenapa naktunggu lagi? Broken heart need to be healed. Times will heal, sure, tapi kalau diri sendiri taknak bergerak, macam mana? #SukaBagiAyatSentapHujungHujung

And that's it. I finally finished my not-so #25 Days Challenge ._.

Have a nice day ._. 

(p/s: Nak buat review If I Fix You by Abigail Johnson sejak hari Ahad lepas, tangguh sebab ada benda nakbuat sebelum tulis review, tapi Ta'aruf Week ini membuatkan saya penat. Sangat.)

Tuesday, 24 January 2017

[challenge] #24: a dream, count me in.


24 had always been my favorite number. It started as a very special date for few of my friends but then I just grew special attachment to the number. Lol, funny aite? How those kind of inter-related things could bring another meaning for yourself. 

Talking about dreams and so. I would like to have my very own book café here in my town. A book store where I can provide books from any languages and state at least, because café really is not my things aside I love caffeinated drink (carbonated drinks or coffee, you named it). The catalyst? If you stay around my area – it is hard to get a copy of English books or any language aside Bahasa Melayu. The only option that you have is by going to KBMALL in Kota Bharu, speaking about super long almost 2 hours journey to get a copy of English book. That, if you live in Kuala Krai. Imagine if you live in Gua Musang which is a lot farther than my area.

Nowadays, maybe you can go purchase it online. 

But still, aren’t handpicked book smells the best? Hiks.

I want to provide books around my area first. I want to encourage people to read, even comics sekalipun because man – I learnt a lot by reading comics. The only bookstores with many branches in Kelantan is Syarikat Muda Osman (SMO). They only supplied Malay books up until a year ago because the last time I went there (which is a week ago), they had started to sell English books. However, the collection is still minimal – Girl Online: On Tour by Zoe Sugg and a compilation of William Shakespeare’s plays.

I remembered, one of the things that my lecturer asked me before, out of curiousity, really. We were talking about few issues regarding Kelantan situation, mainly education and development at the moment when she suddenly asked, “How can you grow to like English and choose to pursue your study in, as a Kelantanese?” We talked about how Kelantanese usually had problems in English but I can’t recalled the exact words (duh why now) Which I answered that I had always like English and maybe at some point because I wasn’t Kelantanese through and through which makes her “Patutlah!” and laughed. Sure, I had Kelantanese blood (from my mom), however the first thirteen years of my life, I was raised in Selangor. (Now you know why I can’t use Kelantanese dialect without sounding weird uhuks) 

I wasn’t raised in a English-speaking-environment, from the day I was born up until I was 18 (considering I’m in Selangor now, uh?). I can be considered coming from underprivileged family. My family do not speak English, we just don’t. Nowadays, I tried to use English to get my sibling familiarize with the plain normal English conversation though they still struggling. 

The first time I registered in my university, seeing almost everyone speaks in English almost got me choked up lol but since I have the face of no-i-don’t-bother, really helped lol. And I tried to speak English a lot that day fuh I’m good at pretending to be good. There’s one time where a friend of mine apparently shocked when I said that my mom work as a cleaner and my father work as a printer then later asked “Tapi macam mana awak boleh speaking English?” Cough. Stereotype people, stereotype.

Even Jade dalam Rooftop Rant terror English belajar dari komik :D 

There’s one thing though, my grammar is still horrible. I’m still building up my vocabulary and phrasal usage. My lecturer said that the best way to learn grammar is to read a lot. However, we used to read for content solely – not the structure. I tried to change the habit, which in exchange does not only works for grammar improvement but appreciation over the sentence structures.

I gotta wreck my body this year :)

p/s: Pandai Uni saya pilih 24th of January as the day of registration :') 

[challenge] #21: Inspiration, where does it comes from?

It really depends on the things I want to work on at that particular moment.

#1 Writing

plenty story that not gonna work-on by themselves
I am that person, yeah – aha that one person who easily get swayed by pool of emotions when listening to song. Especially ones with heavy emotion carried in the melody. I write based on emotions, usually. The deeper the feeling I had for that particular song, the more immerse I am in writing one.

When writing a story, I usually avoid reading stories/novels because it will end up cutting off the link I have with the story. Ah, by the way have you listen to Sorry by Sungha Jung?

Well, you should. I think, Sorry was the starting point for me. Rythm/Melody catch my attention first, as a matter of fact, then lyrics. But still, when lyrics get way to ‘astray’, I would not listening to ‘em anymore.

Another one that works really well for me is by observing people, something that I do on my daily basis. Talk to people, or simply jotting down anything sounds cool out of people. 

#2 Study

This. One.


I usually looks for studyblr in Tumblr. To get envious over their (obviously) super productive day. To get a slap on the face for being lazy. Yeah, my kind of getting worked-up and start studying. Lol.

There’s time where I opt to read few pages I fancy in Rooftop Rant written by HLOVATE too, but that is when emotions get over me so hard that I cannot ‘move’. As you can see, I'm a bit introverted, though I want to casually say that I'm not. I'm ammbivert who are more inclined to the introverted side.  I kept things inside till I feel like bursting out, a ticker bomb. I have few people who willing to listen, but it just me.

#3 Life

I read. I get inspired easily by reading. Be it blog, books or people (not on daily occasion but its enjoyable, don’t you think so). I listen intently to people though I may look like I don’t really give any attention to ‘em. I just got that look, what can I say? Lol.

I recently read If I Fix You by Abigail Johnson and I kinda love how the pieces is beautifully written. The feelings, the word chosen to describe those emotion is just beautiful. I cried.

Sometimes, I wish I could comment without breaking any glass. Frankly speaking, when it comes to story writing, I might seem a little (hopefully) harsh in commenting because I basically spill what I feel like toward the story. I'm a bit worried with the thought that people might get demotivated when my purest intention only to help. 

In reality, sometimes people sighed when I start asking question lol. 

I'm sorry, I would not lose myself in the process, but I will try to be careful with the glass. 

Have a nice day :)

Sunday, 22 January 2017

[challenge] #17: a teacher I look up to

When I was in school, I wasn’t the type that goes all friendly nor clingy over people including my teachers. But there is one person who I kinda grew attached to. It is my Physic teacher, the sifu of all when I was in Form 4 and 5.

Frankly speaking, Physics used to be my sleeping pills (Biology probably worsed – an anaesthesia, terus tidur mampus). In another words, I wasn’t into it. I really meant it, because back then I hate anything related to calculations. Used to. Now, we’re okay. In steady relationship with the three combos (Modern Math, Add Math and Accountancy) uh, uhm … until two years ago. Lol.


It all started with a self-conscious and a little guilty feeling over seeing a pregnant woman struggled to teach the whole (weird) almost problematic class. Being in multi-racial class, sometimes theres issue that we cannot avoid. No offense. I literally forced myself to pay attention despite ‘sumpah ai mengantuk u alls’ and things… suprisingly get better day by day. At some point, I’m finding myself enjoying all those little fascinating discoveries.

Like the simple, how can the stars look much smaller than it seems to be or how shortsightedness happens. 

Wait until electrics and wave comes into action. Duh, intriguing isn’t?

My action, (of forcing myself to listen) is for the sake of being respectful towards her. But I have grow special attachment for her, somehow. I did went to visit her once in a while after SPM, but now that my school wasn’t the school I used to study for almost four years (new teachers, new principle, etc) its kinda hard. If you know what I mean.

Dear teacher (tho I don’t mention your name for privacy purpose), 
Do know that I am grateful (tho I don’t ace in Physics lol) for giving me real exposure on how the world is. Physics turned to be so much exciting with a lot of discoveries (more to come). 

Sometimes, I even found myself googling over things for the sake of knowing how they actually works. Curiousity is not gonna kill you if the intentions is to gain more knowledge. Ilmu ni luas, calit setitik pun dah terasa macam besar dan banyak; belum dikira macam mana ilmu itu akan bagi kesan dekat manusia lagi. 

Fuh, AllahuAkbar. 
Indeed Allah is the greatest.

[challenge] #16: Kenangan Zaman Kanak-Kanak

PLKN Merang Suria, Terengganu (1214-0215)

Hampir taip dalam Bahasa Inggeris, lol. Taktahulah kalau orang perasan ke tak, aku cuba untuk tak campur rojak (minimaliskan) Bahasa Melayu dan Bahasa Inggeris dalam satu entri - sebab, ada sebabnya. Perasaan aku yang perlu dijaga emosinya mungkin boleh jadi salah satu alasan. Tapi rasanya selepas entri ke-empat atau lima habis aku langgar. 

Fuh, kawal diri. 
Kawal jari.

#1 Panjat Pokok

Lol. Aku kan, walaupun yang sulung - antara adik beradik aku yang lain boleh dikatakan penakut (cuba disembunyikan dengan perasaan malas nak menyusahkan diri sendiri). Rumah lama aku di Selangor ada pokok rambutan sebelah rumah :') Allahu, kalau musim dia beb naknangis rasanya. Aku suka yang kuning, taksuka yang merah sebab berair. 

Dulu, adik-adik aku jenis gangster sikit, dorang suka cabar aku (yang berumur 6 tahun) :') Aku ni pulak memang ada penyakit taksuka dicabar, mula-mula aku abaikan je cabaran murahan depa lol tapi aku rasa nakcuba panjat pokok tu.

Aku panjat.
Takboleh turun.
Manusia-manusia bergelar pencabar tadi yang kena pergi amik kerusi untuk aku turun.
Taknangis okay. Aku rasa aku memang jenis gayat tapi gayat yang boleh diajar. Heh, kalau kau faham maksud aku. Waktu dekat Merang Suria dulu, aku paksa diri untuk buat Flying Fox. 
Sampai sekarang takrasa menyesal.

#2 Terseliuh Tangan

Pertama kali aku terseliuh, ataupun boleh dianggap badly injured (atleast sampai sekarang, Alhamdulillah) adalah masa aku enam tahun. Waktu tu aku naik basikal budak lagi, tayar warna-warni, baru buang roda tiga :') Aku pergi main rumah jiran aku dekat blok lain, lepastu balik rumah nak amik raket badminton. Entah macam mana, gelojoh punya pasal - tayar basikal aku tersekat dan aku jatuh depan rumah. Nasib baik depan rumah, nak melalak ke apa senang terus.

Yang membuatkan aku ingat; ayah aku tahu trik aku :') Masa tu aku tidur, dengan tangan berbalut lol lepastu ayah aku tanya mak aku sama ada aku tidur lagi ke apa kan. Aku dahbangun waktu tu, tapi buat-buat tidur. Mak aku datang jenguk pastu dia kata aku tidur lagi, lepastu ayah aku datang jenguk depan pintu, dengan senyum sarkastik (hah dah tahu dari mana aku menurun kan) lepastu kata "Tidur apa kaki gerak-gerak." sambil gelak-gelak.

Ouch, ma hearteu.
Sampai sekarang ayah aku masih gelak dengan benda-benda kecik macam tu.
Contohnya, bila aku mabuk kenderaan semalam. Salahkan bas yang dipandu umpama bas dalam Harry Potter. Kita nakpergi TBS, bukan Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry okay.

#3 Mimpi

Aku rasa ni waktu aku kecik, kurang dari lima tahun. Satu-satunya memori yang memang melekat kukuh dalam kepala. Gam gajah atau gam gergasi penyelamat bumi ke apa aku pun taktau digunakannya. Aku ingat, aku ikut ayah aku pergi pasar malam lepastu ayah aku hantar aku balik rumah dan aku tidur atas kerusi panjang ruang tamu. Taklama lepastu aku terjaga, cari abah lol biasalah budak kecik kan ._. Dan aku mimpi sesuatu waktu tu, aku bagitau mak aku.

Ayah aku pergi pasar malam balik, belikan baju Hello Kitty untuk aku kah kah (my princesseu heart) dan aku tunggu. Lepastu, ayah aku balik. Lewat. Benda yang aku mimpi tu jadi dekat ayah aku. Mimpi apa, aku takboleh nakbagitahu. Saat tu hingga satu masa aku memang percaya aku dan ayah aku ada telepati emosi XD


Bila ingat balik, ada masa buat aku nakpergi semula waktu tu dan alami benda tu sekali lagi. Bukan kembali untuk mengubah. Bagi aku, berilah seberapa banyak peluang untuk aku kembali ke masa lampau dan perbaiki all those messed up they have made. I wouldn't.

Sebab, bila tengok perubahan yang orang sekeliling aku alami (Of course, ada those chipped out here and there a bit) Things are way better. Aku sendiri ambil masa untuk pulih secara emosi meski kalau dilihat dari luaran, aku dah moved on.

May time heals everything.
Allah yuftah 'alaikum. May Allah ease everything, cheer up! Have a nice day.

Friday, 20 January 2017

[challenge] #14: travel

credit to Travel Channel (The Palacio de Generalife Granada, Spain)
“Falling was such an elastic word.” – If I Fix You, Abigail Johnson
When I was in my teen-years, I always dream of going to Korea or Japan (to watch the sakura lol) but it wasn’t that intense. I just feel like going there. But now, no. Actually, since last two years – I had this strong fondness over countries in Europe: Turkey, Greece, and Spain particularly. Blame the all the TV-shows I had watched. Bon Voyage for example, duh.

Greece (credit to BoomsBeat)
Turkey: Lol, I want to visit Istanbul because of the buildings.

Greece: I watched this one Pinoy drama called On The Wings Of Love and man, I just love all the buildings where the filming took place (around Santorini). The streets spell loves too! I even intended to learn Greek but uh… it just so hard. 

Spain: I watched a TV-show (which I can’t recall the name is) and that is the moment where I fell in love with Granada. It is a city filled with Islamic relics and sentiments. I wasn’t paying much attention, watching it at the very last minute. However, I somehow feel like visiting that place (not in another five years, I afraid), touching the monument with my bare hands, feels the dusty historical building that contains more than history itself. 

(If only I was this interested in History back in my Secondary School.)

These three places are part of my dreams. To make it real or not, its depends on me. Financial and willingness. But, frankly speaking - I would love to explore every inch of Malaysia first. There are plenty historical buildings (or just plain buildings) yet to be discovered here. As a child, I do not have many opportunities to travel. Banyak kekangan. Years and years after, I kinda get used to not going anywhere. Either I was so lazy, or it just me.

However, when I was in one of the body (?) under Jabatan Kebajikan Masyarakat, it allows me to see the other parts of Malaysia: Melaka, and Terengganu specifically (while attending conference lol) Few of my batch mate even traveled to Japan for two weeks! Now that I'm twenty years old, I feel like there is nothing wrong in marking the years with escapism once in a while.

Jap, tetiba rasa nakpergi tengok kubah terbalik dekat Muzium Kesenian Islam. Fuh. 
Aku kan, pelik sikit. Aku rasa macam pernah menangis bila tengok bangunan. Masa dekat Ipoh pun. Dahsyat betul ah, bila dah immerse dalam sesuatu tu habis semua emosi di-triggered.

Unexpected charms kan? /flip/ 
A slap on the cheeks wouldn't hurt, I guess?

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

[challenge] #13:Obsession

I should put how much I love making graphic poster too ._. and writing. I had a habits of taking out my journal (bought for RM5 at Daiso, always in my bag) and write almost everything (depends on mood really) in a discussion or a meeting . No ones know what I jot down basically. Obviously, there's thing beside the content of discussion. Sometimes I jot down any quote or simply anything amusing that comes out from ones mouth. Sometimes, it could be a dialogue or situation. 

Talking where I get inspiration to write stories. Lol. I don't doodle, because I can't. It turns horrid /cries a river/

I write my own notes ever since I start foundation years because I am the type who memorize easily by writing notes. It get intense in the last two semester XD I don't keep them anymore, the notes. The notes now may have been passed down from one person to another. I don't know, I just hope it would help them as much as they helped me.

There's thing about me. I hardly buy things, by visiting Muji or bookstore; it already satisfy me up to certain level :) Of course, I would like to posses certain things like Muji's Gel Pen or a new novel lol but I have a really frantic self conscious over buying things. Bukan kedekut uhuks. 

How about you? Do you have any obsession?